The trailer for new abc show Off the Map looked awful, but I was hoping that it would be so awful as to inch its way back up the thisisindexed scale and get awesome instead. Sadly, this is not the case, and Off the Map is just painfully difficult to watch. Behold:
The Premise: Three naive, beautiful doctors escape issues from their pasts by fleeing to “the jungle” to practice “third-world medicine,” where they realize that life is about more than their own petty dramas.
The best (by which I mean worst) lines:
1. “There are like three topless beaches around here. “You do not want those [gesturing at breasts] to shrivel up before their time.” – Tommy “Plastics” Fuller, aka the one escaping a bad reputation and a family that thinks he’s an irresponsible buffoon (because he is).
2. Tommy: “Gringo? What’s gringo?”
Charlie (Local-boy-who-speaks-perfect-English-and-acts-as-translator): “It means white person.” THANK YOU FOR THAT CLARIFICATION.
3. Charlie: “This is the reason Americans are fat and lazy,they only drive.”
Tommy: “You know why? It’s because we invented streets for ourselves. It’s called civilization, you should really try it.”
4. “What brings you to the jungle?” – Lily Brennan, aka the “girl scout” escaping the ghost of her dead fiance.
5. “You don’t know anything about me!” – Tommy. Gee, nobody has ever used THAT line before.
6. “They’ve got a cage match out there, scorpion vs. tarantula… I just lost 50 pesos!” – Mina Menard, aka the one who is escaping her past in which she killed a kid due to medical malpractice (played by Meryl Streep’s daughter, Mamie Gummer)
7. Patient: Life has a way of changing your plans
Lily: Yeah, it does.” SO INSIGHTFUL.
8. Lily: You’re going to put coconut in his veins?
Ben (experienced/superhandsome doc): The water from green coconuts has the same electrolyte balance as blood plasma. DUH.
I am disappointed in you, Shonda Rhimes. You who brought us McDreamy, McSteamy and Meredith Grey, this is the best you can do? It’s total save-the-world, ethno-ambiguous (they never say what “third world” country they are in!) schlock. And you, Zach Gilford, Matt Saracen of my dreams, this is what you pick as your follow-up to Friday Night Lights?