“Show it to me in the bathroom and I’ll give you my answer, sailor”

Last week, I put out a request for opinions on penis size for an upcoming project (submissions still accepted!). One respondent, Matty C., age 34, was so thorough and candid on the subject that I felt compelled to share the entirety of his brilliant response with all of you. Stick around for the end, especially if you would like to know the formula for the success rate of this pick-up line: “I have a really big cock.

Let’s talk about penis size: Let me begin by saying that just by talking about penises, I’m already turned on.

How do you feel about penis size? How important is it in a partner? What other factors weigh more or less? Penis size is important, and complicated. That’s how I feel about it. As someone who identifies as “versatile” (in the true sense of the word, not in that way where some guy tells you he’s versatile but then you get him home a couple times and he’s a total bottom), I have two conditions for size. For bottoming, nobody wants a little tiny dick. I demand that a guy who’s topping me has roughly the same size penis as myself, or larger. If I’m bottoming in certain positions, a guy with a little tiny wiener is going to have a hard time hitting my prostate, and let’s face it, if you’re not working the prostate, I’m not into it. A guy with a regular or big dick is going to hit your prostate whether he’s trying to or not, so a big one is generally considered a guaranteed good time for Mr. Bean.

Do big dicks ever present a problem? My observations are as follows:

1.  Big dicks displace a lot of air. Inside you. You’ll need a cork the next day, or you’ll be putting to work like a car from the Jetsons. Especially when you combine this with the massive amount of lubrication that is required; you don’t have the ass-traction to hold in the escaping air. This gives you a condition commonly known as “lube farts.” They sound like this:  fffffffffffffffffffffffffffft. So they’re quiet, but they smell like Gun Oil brand lube. This is going to make anyone familiar with Gun Oil give you the suspicious “guuurl” look.

2a. Big dicks are…well, big. It’s going all hot and heavy, and then you have to take the six minutes getting used to him where everything slows down. Erotically, but still. There’s a lot of “Eeeeep! Ouch. Slower, asshole. Okay…no, wait…ouch. Just start over. Get on your back.” I’m still committed to having sex, but my big-dicked partner is probably getting bored by the time I can accommodate him.

2b. Big dicks are big, and rectal tissue is delicate. Too much rough stuff or not enough lube or both can cause bleeding. Sorry, I know that’s gross, but it totally happens.

2c. Big dicks are big, and can disturb the natural occupants of the rectum. This is about to get gross again: There are few things as mortifying as having your partner withdraw his dick, only to find it covered in shit. And if it goes unnoticed, you may wake up to the unpleasant realization that you have a shit-streak on your sheets from homeboy’s poop-covered cock. And you’ve both been sleeping on it. This has happened to every gay man, ever, and if they say it hasn’t happened to them, they’re lying.

For topping, I could care less about their penis size, because I’m a very selfish lover and their penis isn’t the part I care about at that moment. I only ask that they don’t bend it, and warn me before they do anything crazy.

Does penis size correlate to anything else in your experience? Could be sexual or not? I have never had a long-term relationship with anyone who had a smaller penis than myself. (This might explain why I’ve only had three boyfriends in 34 years.) As a friend of mine once put it, I like to “marry big.” So obviously I find penis size a fundamental necessity in my relationships. I just always settle down with a nice penis that is attached to a tolerable enough human.

I have had the occasional guy use his penis as a pick-up line. “I have a really big cock.” Any time this tactic has worked on me, I find it to be true. The formula for this pick-up line’s success rate is:  ([total  number of beers] + [attractiveness of guy]) (square root of the number of shots I’ve had) / dignity + horniness =  “Show it to me in the bathroom and I’ll give you my answer, sailor.”

*      *     *     *     *

Big round of thanks to Matty C. for answering my prying questions with wit and honesty. To thank him, find him in Boystown sometime and tell him you have a really big cock. Or start reading his blog, MattSplatter.

Related Post: Sex advice from porn stars.. though they don’t cover Gun Oil lube farts….

Related Post: Another guest post, this one from Amanda on idiotic bridal exercise trends.

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11 Comments

Filed under Chicago, Guest Posts, Really Good Writing by Other People, Sex

11 responses to ““Show it to me in the bathroom and I’ll give you my answer, sailor”

  1. Diamond Handline

    As a dear friend of Matty and possibly the only gay person in Missouri that he hasn’t slept with, I would like to personally certify that all of Matt-ress’s statements have been thoroughly and personally researched and verified by the author.

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  7. Cal B

    This is candid- DAMN! I have experienced much of what he describes, especially where cleanliness and anal sex [heck cleanliness and ANY form of sex] are concerned. If I were a bottom in a gay sex encounter, then I would like my prostate hit so that I can get mine without possibly jacking off. As a top, I would prefer to hit without all that mess LOL

    Good points tho, and thanks Rosie.

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