Tag Archives: online dating

Why a Single-Sex Media Diet is a Bad Idea

These OkCupid guys…. I mean really. It’s one thing to mention that your favorite author is Faulkner. Cool, I dig it. Or Hemingway, or whomever. It’s even NBD to list a couple of books you like that happen to be written by men. BUT, when you go to the trouble of listing 40+ books you love because YOU JUST CAN’T DECIDE, and literally all 42 are by guys… for real?

They probably don’t even notice. If that’s the case, this is highly fixable. If they notice and don’t care/don’t think it’s weird/don’t think women have interesting opinions or stories…. well, that shit is beyond repair. Or rather, it is a problem to large for me to fix with a snarky message or internet essay.

But the fixable ones, the ones who are oblivious but open-minded, these are the ones I write to today, in my new piece for Role/Reboot:

Screenshot_7_3_14_11_54_AM-3Related Post: The last book I loved, The Flamethrowers

Related Post: Breaking down the gender of the authors I read last year


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Filed under Art, Books, Gender, Media, Republished!

On the Radio: The Council of Feminist Thought

photo (20)If you date a lot, you probably have a system for keeping track of all the randos in your phone. Maybe you use the name of the bar where you met, or the defining facial feature, or, in my case, the last name tag “OKC” for those found on the interwebz. As I’ve discussed, my OKC section is… substantial —>

I had the script flipped on me in a delightful way recently, when one recent dater-of-Emily renamed me in his phone from the generic “OKC” to “Council on Feminist Thought.” How badass is that? Printing business cards in 3, 2, 1….

All of this is a roundabout way of sharing that I was on the Council of Feminist Thought this week on Vocalo’s The Morning AMp. We discussed why “having it all” should be a conversation we extend to men, if we’re going to bother having it all (er… no pun intended), the perils of pejorative nicknames, and superheroines!

Related Post: The time my book club was on the radio.

Related Post: The Council tackles feminist dating.

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Filed under Chicago, Gender, Media

Dating like a feminist

Last week I joined Molly and Brian on Vocalo’s Feminist Wednesdays to talk about dating while feminist. As usual, it was a blast and a half. What part should gender roles play in modern dating? How much should we rely on traditional who-does-what? Should we just mimic the gays? They seem able to figure this out without pointing at genitalia as the reason one person should or shouldn’t buy the other person dinner…

Listen away!

Related Post: Dating should not be a meal ticket.

Related Post: Why online dating is hard for guys.


Filed under Gender

How to Have a Conversation on a First Date (Or: How Not to Have a Conversation on a First Date)

Today’s Role/Reboot post comes to you inspired by the following Facebook exchange:


I realized after I posted this that it might not be a gendered issue, but I don’t date women, so I really have no idea. There are probably lady-monologuers out there, too. That said, I do think there’s something about the economics of dating (especially online dating) wherein men are encouraged to try to impress, and women are encouraged to sit back and be impressed. The thing is, I’m mostly impressed by curiosity, which gets lost if you’re too busy telling a twenty minute story about CrossFit.


Related Post: Why online dating sucks for men.

Related Post: OkCupid by the numbers!

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Filed under Gender, Republished!

I Think I’m Doing OkCupid Wrong

This week for Role/Reboot, I did a little internal investigation on how I behave on online dating sites. We already know how I feel about gendered traditions once we’re actually on the date (i.e. Who pays?), but what about the sending of and responding to messages? Why do I sit back and wait? Is the answer really because it’s just so freaking easy? That seems like laziness to me, and no one should rest on their laurels when it comes to equalizing the playing field, least of all ladies who write about gender and equality on the internet…

onlinedatingRelated Post: Comparing dating to church.

Related Post: Guest post: the dangers of dating while freelancing


Filed under Gender, Republished!

Nicks, Davids and Mikes: OkCupid by the Numbers

I’ve tried to count and tally the last two years of okcupid dates with limited success, so here’s a different approach. Still can’t remember who Paul is….

Parents during the 80s were not super creative. Can you guess which guys weren't white?

Parents during the 80s were not super creative.

While my roommate makes fun of me for consistently visiting the same four restaurants, the data would suggest otherwise (though I do obviously have favorites):

Restaurants2For you Chicagoans, that looks something like this:

Dates - Google MapsAnd now, most important of all:

kissed?Related Post: OkCupid had a kickass blog

Related Post: An OkCupid message contest


Filed under Chicago


Ahh, the good old days

Ahh, the good old days

Bluuuuurgh. So many people have sent me this idiotic article in the Times on the “End of Courtship” and asked for comment.

I tend to assume that anything that starts with the “end of X” is bound to be histrionic, and this doesn’t disappoint. I have so many strong, negative reactions to this article that I’m having a seriously hard time putting them on paper. The words that come to mind are the following: dumb, moron, silly, archaic, inane, yuck, blech, for realz? See? Those are not even all the same parts of speech!

Slate already did a pretty great job of tearing this bad boy up, so go check that out. In the meantime, here are my biggest beefs:

1. Could you get any more heteronormative? You know what makes courtship a lot easier? When people view each other as people (you know, like other human beings with interests and opinions and preferences and experiences) and go from there. We could all take a couple of pages out of the queer dating handbook and maybe not rely on chromosomes to determine who buys the beers…

2. Ladies, if you want fancy dinners, pay for your own goddamn meal! We are all in our twenties. We are all broke as shit. We are all paying off loans. Do you seriously think an equally broke, equally debt-burdened dude should be buying you stuff because he has a penis? For real? How does that make any sense?

3. What was so great about back-in-the-day? Yeah, courtship looks different, but were the olden days really so golden? Look around you, do you know what you’d be doing if you were dating in the 50s? There might be some malted milkshakes or a whatever, but you’d also be married at 21, you probably wouldn’t have gone to college, and you’d have two or three kids running around your ankles right now. There’s nothing wrong with that, but man, isn’t it nice to have choices?

4. Buying shit is not the way to be gentlemanly. Paying for my crab rangoon does not show me you’re “gentlemanly,” any old schmuck can apply for a credit card. Listening to me talk, answering my questions thoughtfully, asking follow-up questions, respecting my opinions, that’s gentlemanly behavior. Also ladylike behavior! Isn’t that cool how basic courtesy and conversational skills are gender-neutral? Neat-o!

5. Respecting my autonomy is sexy. Do any women ever find it sexy for a man to order on their behalf without asking? Is this a thing? I really can’t imagine a scenario in which this doesn’t result in me leaving the table. If we’re sharing wine, ask my opinion, okay? If I don’t care, I’ll tell you, and you can pick. But the presumption ordering for me? Ick, you don’t even know me!

6. Women are not prizes. “Cheryl Yeoh, a tech entrepreneur in San Francisco, said that she has been on many formal dates of late — plays, fancy restaurants. One suitor even presented her with red roses. For her, the old traditions are alive simply because she refuses to put up with anything less. She generally refuses to go on any date that is not set up a week in advance, involving a degree of forethought. “If he really wants you,” Ms. Yeoh, 29, said, “he has to put in some effort.” Ummmmm, what? Asking for a plan in advance is not unreasonable (see: basic courtesy), but this is the most one-sided load of baloney. If he really wants you? What if you really want him? Does he have to spend a certain amount for you to put out? Is this some sort of transaction? Gross.

Related Post: Online dating, how to make it less unpleasant.

Related Post: Why I like first dates so much…


Filed under Gender, Media, Sex