Tag Archives: oral sex

Why We Need More Sex on TV*

*Well, a certain kind of sex. Or rather, certain kinds of sex. We do not need more scantily clad women. We do not need more blowjob jokes. We do not need more titstaring. We need more variety. That goes for sexual preference (and we’re getting there, slowly), and it goes for sex acts, fetishes, and preferences. We need more female pleasure. We need more honest conversation. We nee more intimacy. We need more consent. We need more reciprocity.

It’s impossible for me to imagine a future in which there is less sex on TV than there is today. Go ahead, try it. Do you really see the world getting less explicit? Less raunchy? I cannot. If, then, we take as the baseline assumption that sex on TV will exist in the same quantities as it does now, if not more, then the question of what kind of sex is shown becomes really, really important. This week on Role/Reboot, I wrote specifically about cunnilingus on TV and why we need more of it.


I believe that the only way (only feasible way, anyhow) to respond to hypersexualized content is to contextualize it. In a perfect world, I wish kids wouldn’t see porn until they’ve had a chance to develop their own imaginations and sexual styles. But, given that they will and there’s not much I can do to stop it, context is key. They need to know that it isn’t real, that it’s not what they should expect when they actually get naked with someone. It’s a performance, just like Pirates of the Caribbean. There’s a director, lighting technicians, a script, and extreme stunts. Will this conversation be hella awkward? Yup.

I feel similarly about non-pornographic television. If our average programming is going to be hypersexual (which it is, because it sells), then let’s democratize it. Let’s show adult sexuality that is based on equality, consent, pleasure and respect. And that includes cunnilingus!

Related Post: Why is going down so frequently a one way street? 

Related Post: The best two minutes of TV about oral sex (Louie CK)

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Filed under Body Image, Gender, Hollywood, Media, Republished!, Sex

Vagina Love!

Sorry for the AWOL-ness of late. Busy busy with travel and “real” work and side projects.

What better way to celebrate a return to the blog than with some quality vagina-time?  A long time ago, I wrote an essay about why oral sex was so often a one-directional exercise and many of the respondees to my survey wrote about feeling like their vaginas were ugly, unclean, or “too private.” How something that you use to have sex with is too private for the person you’re having sex with is kind of beyond me, but I allow that feelings towards one’s genitalia can get complicated.

Anyway, those responses made me sad, because the idea of folks missing out on pleasure and intimacy out of vagina-shame seems like such a waste. Apparently, I am not alone in these feelings. Three cool vagina-friendly things for you to peruse this week. Probably not the safest for work, but I don’t know what your work is like, so use your judgment:

1. Vagina Posters: Debbie Herbenick, sex educator and all-around fan of vaginas is launching a Kickstarter to fund her beautiful poster series What Do You  Like About Your Vulva and Vagina. Go support her and her team and also get postcards or posters as a thank you gift!


2. Porn Sex vs. Real Sex: Production company Kornhaber Brown made this little video cleverly replacing genitalia with genitalia-shaped food to illustrate the differences between porn sex and real sex. Given that I am a porn fan and that I also don’t think porn is going anywhere even if I weren’t, I like content that contextualizes porn as performance and helps create boundaries between the sex that most people have and the sex that porn stars have.

3. Female Reproductive Organ posters: I found this in a secondhand store in Provincetown, MA, this past weekend. It’s a poster about menstruation and reproduction that was made by Tampax to hang in doctors’ officees. I loved it instantly but I left the store without buying it. Half an hour later, I made my group return so I could make it mine. It shall hang in the bathroom:


Related Post: My favorite body-positive pornographic tumblr (NSFW)

Related Post: Do you find my breasts offensive?


Filed under Art, Gender, Sex

The Best Two Minutes of Television (about Sex and Gender)

I used to think my crush on Louis C.K. was unique. Today, I was disabused of that notion by the following passage from a Jezebel post:

“The 43-year-old comedian who you kind of wouldn’t at all mind spooning with (you think you’re the only one who doesn’t kind of want to spoon him? Please. He’s catnip. Ladies talking secretively about how Louis CK’s whole deal is sexy is the new ladies talking secretively about how Rachel Maddow is totally sexy even though they’re into dudes. The club is called More Women Than You Think.”

Dammit. Turns out I’m not a special snowflake after all.

Louis CK and Melissa Leo

But seriously, you guys, my crush has only been fueled by his antics in the last few weeks. There’s the Jon Stewart clip where he explains his response to Daniel Tosh’ rape fiasco. There’s his fabulous rape joke included on the list of excellent rape jokes (throw rapists and rape culture, not rape victims, under the bus. Duh). And then there was the second episode of his FX show Louie, which I can’t seem to shut up about.

Without transcribing the entire scene–oh wait, I’m about to transcribe the entire scene–let me just preface this transcription by saying that I’ve never been so impressed with TV dialogue on sex and gender. There’s more nuance and complexity to this two minute conversation than most of the gender studies classes I took in college.

Melissa Leo plays Laurie, a friend of a friend with whom Louie is accidentally and unhappily set up. After some drunken bonding, they conclude the date in Laurie’s truck, where she nonchalantly offers him oral sex. He accepts, and then there’s this: [Warning: Fairly graphic dialogue]

Laurie: Good?

Louie: Yeah, that was very good.

Laurie: Nice. Okay, let’s get some payback.

Louie: What?

Laurie: Strap on the feedbag.

Louie: Oh.

Laurie: Yeah!

Louie: Well I don’t really want to do that.

Laurie: What?

Louie: I don’t, I just don’t want to do it.

Laurie: Jesus. Don’t tell me you’re one of those guys who doesn’t eat pussy.

Louie: No, I do! I do. I just…

Laurie: Just not with me?

Louie: Yeah, no, not now.

Laurie: What do you mean, not now?

Louie: Well that’s very intimate, I don’t really know you.

Laurie: Intimate? Me sucking your dick isn’t intimate?

Louie: Well no, apparently not. I mean, it doesn’t seem like a big deal… for you. But for me, it would be, to do that, to you.

Laurie: You gotta be shitting me. I did you, you’re not doing me. That’s not fair.

Louie: Well no, we just have different values about that.

Laurie: This isn’t about values. I just sucked your dick, you can eat my pussy.

Louie: I’m not going to do it. I’m sorry, it’s just too soon.

Laurie: Are you saying I’m a whore?
Louie: No! Not by how you feel. That’s what you did. I’m just saying that if I had done what you did, I would feel like a whore.

Laurie: You shouldn’t have said that.

Louie: Listen! Would you really want me to do that to you if I didn’t want to…

Laurie: I don’t give a shit! I just want to get off! Do you know how many dicks I sucked I didn’t want to suck, ’cause I’m a good kid, ’cause I do what’s right? I never left anyone hanging! How dare you!

Louie: Listen, if you blowing me hinged on my doing that to you, you just should have said something.

Laurie: Your sperms are dying inside my mouth right now, goddammit! Where are the gentlemen? What is wrong with this country?

Louie: That’s just how I feel.

Laurie: Obama! I got to say, this is balls. I’m going to say it, this is freakin’ balls on you.

*     *     *      *     *

It gets worse from there. She baits him with taunts of “faggot” and then smacks him in the jaw. He ultimately goes down on her with little enthusiasm. Don’t take my word for it and watch it yourself. As unpleasant as the scene is, the two actors are ridiculously mesmerizing.

I’ve written about oral sex before (“Why is “going down” often a one-way street?“), particularly the divergent perceptions of fellatio and cunnilingus. I would never tell anyone of any gender they should be doing any sexual act, that’s completely counterproductive to healthy sexuality. That being said, it’s worth an exploration of why acts that focus on female pleasure are often considered intimate, and acts that focus on male pleasure are often considered casual. To Louie, enthusiastic consent is an obvious precursor to performing oral sex, but he doesn’t expect the same of his partner.

Nobody comes off looking good in this scene: he is unable to defend his own selfish pursuit of pleasure but condemns hers, and she becomes a taunting, aggressive bully. Except Louis CK, who comes off as brilliant since he wrote the damn thing. Swoon.

Related Post: Fundamental differences on the role of sex.

Related Post: “I don’t know whether you’re a slut or a player.”


Filed under Art, Gender, Hollywood, Media, Sex

Sexy Times at GMP

Despite ostensibly writing for the sex and relationship section of The Good Men Project, it’s been three weeks since I’ve talked about sex at all. I’ve been rhapsodizing about traveling solo and mathphobia and naming traditions. The dry spell ends here!

This week is sex-filled indeed; I wrote about cunnilingus (Not technique or preferences, I promise). I surveyed a ton of people (including some of you, big thanks!) about media portrayals (or lack thereof), insecurities and relationship give-and-take regarding oral sex.

Related Post: My sex-on-the-first-date flowchart is on The Frisky!

Related Post: Guest post by Kate on Cosmo, consent, and kink!


Filed under Gender, Republished!, Sex

Still on Vacation, Take a Survey

Prepping to write about the social pressures, media coverage (or lack of it), and gendered insecurities around cunnilingus. Fun stuff, right? Help me out with your thoughts (anonymously, if you so desire).

Here’s s survey: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/viewform?formkey=dHo0T3VadVQ4NG5IMWZSRXNDVXhpNUE6MQ
Feel free to pass it on to friends, especially dudes!

Leave a comment

Filed under Sex

Open Wide

From Vanity Fair (Feb 2011)

Gee, what could those binoculars possibly represent? Need a closer look?

Sigh. Really Guess? Who do you think your VF audience is? I’ll tell you one thing, it’s not 14-year-old boys. And I, as a Vanity Fair-reading, jeans-wearing 23-year-old, do not appreciate your lack of subtlety.

Related Post: Dadvertising

Related Post: Stupid product of the day, in pillow form.


Filed under Advertising, Sex